husband submitting to a confident wife - a nabal husband who abdicates headship

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Domestic Hiatus

You Don't Own Me
(song by Lesley Gore)

Trial Divorce?

It's never cheating if you are teaching the dork a lesson

When Enough is Enough
enough is enough

Emotional Torment & Abuse of Women

Symptoms of Wife Abuse (abusive husbands)

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don't hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn't "play fair." Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused -- especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it's coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain -- and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner -- constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up -- chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

Emotional abuse: It's a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you're not battered and bruised doesn't mean you're not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked -- even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you're the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don't do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse -- sometimes even more so.

Love is of God but beware of counterfeits

How long is enough? I could see the look in his eyes, the anger, the jealousy. Jealous over nothing -- so I would tease. But that wasn't the main thing, it was little things, lack of consideration, sloppiness, lack of thoughtfulness, and basically -- unkindness to by friends. He was a racist geek and wouldn't admit his prejudice. I could not talk to him. He was so over-protective it was like tyranny. He was jealous of my church, a multiracial church. Even when he said nothing, his eyes and attitude showed. The way I dressed for church events, parties, and Worship. And when he came with me.... sometimes I was so mortified my skin crawled. I prayed a lot for him. But what about me? I shared with my friends how I was increasingly dismayed by the inadequacies of my marriage, was frankly confused and unhappy. Yes I was angry and often humiliated by my husband's behavior. It was a hairdresser friend who told me I was psychologically "primed" for a change.

I suppose the final straw was the sex. My husband always had explanations and excuses. But underneath he blamed others, and I was tired of it. He was all talk, very oral. His abilities were in the linguistic and oral aptitudes. But I felt his "deep love" for me was lip service and little else. Oh, I definitely enjoyed a measure of the "sex" (if that's the name). More like making out. I actually experienced clittoral pleasure regularly. My hubby "worshipped" the ground I walked upon. Quite the poet -- with his tongue.

It was as if, as a man, my husband was counterfeit (99%). A pampered, spoiled, adolescent brat.

Yes, as a wife and a Christian I should love him. Yes I should show pity. But what about me?

I craved real satisfaction. I craved the big O. My hairdresser friend brought up the book Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver. I already knew about that, but she felt I was an ice cube that needed some real manly SOUL to melt it. I said I didn't want to betray my husband. Her response was "betray?" You are the betrayed one. You are the abused one. Hubby is making you take action into your own hands. He is forcing you to. COMPELLING YOU. See #BlackLivesMatter

Our church group had a study about Vashti. Righteously UNSUBMISSIVE. There were a few times I deliberately defied my husband, when he was wrong. But usually he just shriveled - when I confronted him. We had a big evangelical conference coming to be held one weekend (held about hundred and fifty miles away). I had gone to these before. My husband even went, once. There was a black gentleman who had the hots for me. My husband had met him at a picnic. Well, he was glowing in his attention to me. I felt him devouring me with his gaze, his smiles and jokes and spirituality. He was always absolutely decent and blameless. He invited me to come with him. He added, "In separate rooms, of course --- if you prefer."

I told my husband and he squirmed like dickens. "Why?" I answered "I feel the Lord wants me to." This went on, and (getting nowhere) I said, "Why are you acting this way? Do you want me to tell him NO?" He retreated, "I didn't say that. I - I just thought we might do something." I flat out told him, that is an excuse and you know it. We never do anything. I think you are jealous. You are jealous of Marlon and most of all you are jealous of God. Then I added, you are a bit of a racist, too. And you ought to be horse whipped.

And he broke. "Okay, go with him. Go ahead and go. I am not holding you back. I want you to go."

So I did. And that was the beginning. It is still going on. I won't say it "saved" our marriage. But it has helped. And I finally am experiencing those volcanic "Big O" g-spot "whole body" orgasms you read about in Cosmo. And hubby is even better at housekeeping and clean up. He is learning to be grateful. And a tad more generous.

What about it

Can taking a break from your marriage (a little R & R) actually "air it out" and breathe freshness and vitality? Polly Andrea Busch

I'll never be the same (During the separation)

It worked for her (don't call me slutty)

Another scenario (Sabbatical From Marriage)


Listening to God

Love Without Limits

Set Her Free :: Love Without Limits

Signs Your Husband May Be Abusive

Lies Abusers tell their Victims

Wife victims of verbal (emotional) abuse

Is He an Emotional Abuser?

Spousal Emotional Abuse = Domestic Violence

Are YOU Being Emotionally/Verbally Abused?

You Are Not Crazy

Growing Beyond Emotional Abuse - Links

Domestic Violence and Abuse

White man falling, epidemic of porn in USA




The Healing Club

When Love Hurts
Geared toward female victims

Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site
For abusers

Women In Need
Support & Outreach

 Emotional Violence: Psychological Abuse

Gift From Within
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

A Warning to the Men : porn pigs

American "leadership" in the wrong way?


New site by Lilac Lane:
about obsessed ex-husbands,
ex-boyfriends, ex-wives, etc.



Relationships 911

Cyberparent's Abuse site
Includes info for male victims

Help for HUSBANDS: porn junkies

Broken vows Dishonored wife: PORN PERVERT

DMOZ Directory psychological abuse Directory

The pornoholic husband

Post Traumatic Stress links

Growing Beyond Emotional Abuse - links

Sanctuary for the Abused
Excellent list of links on right margin

The biggest secret (she feels stifled, humiliated)

Self Help Magazine links

Is he crying out for Help (his porn sickness)

Less than a man : the juvenile addiction (porn)

Wings of Fallen Angels - links

Hidden Hurt - UK links

Psych Central - abuse links

Victims need resiliency



Ditch That Jerk

No Visible Wounds:
Identifying Non-Physical Abuse

Encouragements for the
Emotionally Abused Woman

The Emotionally Abused Woman:
Reclaiming Yourself

by Beverly Engel

When Love Goes Wrong

Before It's Too Late

Excerpts from The Domestic Violence Sourcebook:

"Emotional abuse:  Consistently doing or saying things to shame, insult, ridicule, embarrass, demean, belittle, or mentally hurt another person ... withholding money, affection, or attention; forbidding someone to work, handle money, see friends or family, make decisions, socialize, keep property; flaunting infidelity; engaging in destructive acts; forcing someone to do things she does not want to do; manipulation; hurting or threatening children or pets; threatening to abandon; threatening to take children away ... refusing to help someone who is sick or hurt."

"The abusive man tries to take away his partner's power, while at the same time giving her the ultimate power to grant or deny him happiness by expecting her to make everything in his world perfect.  No woman can live up to the expectations ... because they are, by definition, impossible.  When she 'fails', he becomes enraged.  This also explains why the point of separation is often the most dangerous: Abusive men have a terrible fear of abandonment, and become desperate when they feel they could lose their partner."

"An abusive boyfriend often forces his girlfriend to abandon other friends, become alienated from her family, spend all her time with him, or even ... quit school.  The abuse generally starts with intimidation and verbal abuse, including name-calling, put-downs, and exploiting insecurities that are magnified during adolescence, such as the fear that no one else will want to date the girl.  It often involves the familiar control issues, such as activity control and isolation from family and friends.  The abusive teen often displays characteristic 'Jekyll and Hyde' personality swings ... Young women tend to be susceptible to romantic notions that 'true love' means an all-encompassing passion that allows for jealousy, possessiveness and aggression as a demonstration of devotion and commitment ... even those with a mature perspective, who know jealousy is not love and realize their abusive boyfriends are not likely to change, still have a hard time leaving the relationship."

"Most women are raised to believe that the woman is the primary caretaker of the family, the member responsible for 'holding things together'.  We are also taught from the days of childhood that 'Love conquers all'.  Many women believe on some level that if only they love a man enough, they can 'save' him and he will change.  Those who stay learn that he will not."

"You Don't Own Me" (Lesley Gore)
The Wife's "Personal Bill of Rights"

Dr. Susan Forward's "Personal Bill of Rights":

  1. The right to be treated with respect
  2. The right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior
  3. The right to get angry
  4. The right to say no
  5. The right to make mistakes
  6. The right to your own feelings, opinions and convictions
  7. The right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action
  8. The right to negotiate for change
  9. The right to ask for emotional support or help
  10. The right to protest unfair treatment or criticism

  D O R K

His advantages have ruined him -- the pampered white husband.
Materialism has been a blessing in almost every sense. But there are actually some ways in which side effects have been less than positive. We work less hard than our ancestors, spend less time "tilling fields" or toiling (the back-breaking drudgery) to survive. But suburban white man, especially, has been lured by some of the distractions of civilization, and has wound up the worse for it. He has neglected his family in the pursuit of "success" or entertainment. He has sacrificed some of the manliness that past generations earned the hard way.

He may ask: how can his own flaws and crimes have anything to do with his wife's "love deficit." When she is 'running on empty.' Religion says (I Corinthians 7:3) the husband has a duty, literally a solemn binding obligation, to satisfy his wife emotionally and sexually. If she feels stifled or neglected, the husband has to answer for that. Yet many of today's white men are borderline porn perverts, or porn creeps (as the wife knows most of all). Betty Friedan once said there are many such suburban wives, caught in loveless marriages, dismayed by the inadequacies of their marriages, confused and unhappy, angry and often humilated by their husband's behavior, who are psychologically "primed" for some dashing, confident "bad boy" eager to sweep her off her feet -- a temptation to spread her wings and fly. (Again, see Eldridge Cleaver, primeval mitosis)


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