husband submitting to a confident wife - a nabal husband who abdicates headship

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Christly Husbandish
pro aris et focis
For Faith and For Family

Marital Meekness

Surrendering ~ as Christ Surrendered

Love Her as Christ Loved the Church:

Becoming a more Christ-ly husban

Would I lie?

bob shepherd Bob Shepherd (pictured, right) aspires to the ideal of marital longevity and (were it possible) permanency. He believes that our western religious traditions can help. Paradoxically, the path toward more livable togetherness may include stepping stones of solitude, imagination, and apartness. The mystics taught inner cleansing, which is principly an exercise in one's embrace of with the divine (as it were). Rabbi Schmuley Boteach [The Kosher Sutra, p 192] "The deeper we delve into our truest spiritual selves, the more our limitations and boundaries dissolve."

Try a Mental Experiment

Love her as Christ Loved the ChurchVisual Imagery. The sight of my wife with another man was always something of a prod to my husbandly insecurities, guilt, jealousy, juvenile apprehensions, guilty conscience, my latent racism, sexist tendencies, phobias, whatever. Yet, for some reason, something about the urban guy's eagerness made her seem more beautiful to me. Suddenly I found myself more appreciative. Or crazy. Which may be a fancy way of saying, I was CONVICTED. Of course my self-absorbed reaction was to blame anyone but myself. Why are black guys so bold? I would say. Or I would boast to my wife of MY accomplishments, or attempt to trigger the same look of joy on her face as my "rival" had inspired.

Dave Burchett talks of growing up in a church where the men loved to quote Ephesians to the women folk.

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. Ephesians 4 NLT

But the men conveniently glossed over the verses that followed.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

I think that is a failing we men have - even those of us who know better - or at least we SHOULD know better.

How many times do we have to learn the hard way, before one of the Father's lessons sinks in? How many times does God have to get dramatic with us, before he can truly get our attention?

There was a time I stood in a tiny store-front church in Fresno California as I vowed before God (and Brother Ferger) my covenant to my new wife:

I Bob, take you Linda, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor and obey; from this day forward until death do us part.

Have you wondered exactly what Paul meant in Ephesians when he wrote that husbands are to love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her? Yes, it's a lovely little metaphor and a nice goal to shoot for but is it remotely do-able?

Psychologist Sid Jourard wrote, "I venture to say that there is probably no experience more horrifying and terrifying than that of self-disclosure to 'significant others' whose probable reactions are assumed, but not known." [Sid Jourard]. Oh God, believe me, I know. Early in our marriage Linda would gently nudge me, and delicately pry. What turns me on. I clammed up. I knew where this was going. Was there a reason I couldn't "perform?" Was she doing something wrong? What should she be doing? I felt guilty about my non-performance on our honeymoon, guilty about resorting to "artificial" stimlants (to get aroused). In other words, PORN, a whiteman crutch which she, as a woman, loathed.

I also felt guilty about something else. When I first met her, we were not even "going together." She visited my parents. I must have desired her, but I said a foolish thing. I somewhat crassly, offhandedly said she was a plain Jane. A PLAIN JANE. For god's sake, what was wrong with me. It broke her heart, but I did not realize how much. But later on, Pops was infuriated.

The Bible of course commands us to confess our faults, our sins, and admit our shortcomings. Surely a husband needs to make such a move toward transparency. How else is there even the remotest hope for ultimate expiation? If anyone deserves to know about your secret perversions or sins, it is your wife, your guide, your mentor and helpmate.

Jourard writes: "If a man is reluctant to make himself known to another person, even to his spouse - because it is not manly thus to be psychologically naked - then it follows that men will be difficult to love." for more

George O'Neill and Nena O'Neill have written: Full disclosure of the self to at least one other significant human being appears to be one means by which a person discovers not only the breadth and depth of his needs and feelings, but also the nature of his own self-affirmed values. {George O'Neill and Nena O'Neill}

Linda and I were perfect matches for each other.

We were opposites, not color wise, but in other ways - character and disposition. And OPPOSITES ATTRACT. (In terms of color and race, we were, if anything, almost TOO equally yoked.)

We were opposites in another way. I was filled with guilt, tons of it, and she was no-nonsense, with as much anger (fury) against my sins as I had guilt for them. She did not suffer fools gladly. See Hebrews 10:27. I had "a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation."

Linda has a very strong personality and love life. She has her calling, her dreams and hopes in life separate from me. She is the type (almost opposite of me) who stands on her own two feet. She has zero tolerance for my "issues" and foibles and weaknesses -- which she frankly finds "sicko" and disgusting. It took a while before I saw her Female Intuition. Slowly, I have come to see her spiritual superiority, which in a sense gives her a Fem-Dom over me. She realized I needed the strong, firm rule of Authority over me. She realized it before I did.

Linda would again encourage me not to fight the lessons I had coming. She would encourage me to take my medicine, it was for my own good. She would not put up with my rebellion against Father. She would tell me I need to accept the father's love. Yes, discipline is love. See Hebrews 12:6. Whom the Father loveth he scourgeth.
The commentary explains that more specifically. (scourgeth -- which draws forth "blood" (v 4).

On the other hand, I am the type of person who strongly needed "someone to lean on" (like the at-risk youth in Lean On Me.) If I have made progress in my marriage, I owe it all to "Pops" - and to Linda. humor link

You Don't Own Me

Her only one Stipulation
She Will Put God First in Her Marriage

Linda's one stipulation

Compensatory Asymmetry in the Marital Structure

Spiritual Wifery

Like her REAL marriage was to God

I knew she was right but I fought it - I 'writhed' inwardly

I think I knew from the beginning. Yet why did I balk? She told me, "I will put God first in my life." (In my marriage.) So I had no excuse afterward, and I continued to mess up, continued to try to come between her and God, between her and her outreach, her adult friends, her Girl's Nite Out.

There was something about her spirituality that put me on the spot. I could swagger and bluster, but the hovering thought of God's authority was something I could not handle. My authority issues were exposed. Somehow I sensed her superiority, morally. She, on the other hand, seemed completely on par with the authority of the church, and other leaders whether secular or spiritual.

It is tough on a husband's ego when it begins to sink in that his wife surpasses him in some ways, or many ways. God gives her wisdom to rule the house, to guide the marriage. She outroofs him, for his own good. So she insisted on the principle that "there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you."

See oikodespoteo (she rules the house): the principle of the divine feminine within mystic Christian doctrine

Why was I so resentful (or spoiled) when she let her light shine. God told her that he wanted her to be a candle on a candlestick, and thus be a blessing to many. Yet even though I knew better, I resisted, and interfered, and had a bad attitude -- till God in his mercy judged me. Now I am grateful - or beginning to be grateful, for those confrontations (Linda and "Pops"). They were always potent at popping my bubble, taking me down a notch or two.

She could be firm. Yet she tried to be gentle and demure. She tried not to rub it in. Yet she never asked Pops to go easy on me. She knew I was a Nabal (fool), and her role had to be righteously unsubmissive. She could tell me bluntly, "This is between you and your father" (He was not my father, per se.) She could tell me flatly, "I have no sympathy for you, JERK."

Or when she went on a date, and (upon returning) she would tell me: "You're really torturing youself, aren't you?"

I suppose I felt excluded. I knew better but still the feelings. But she understood. "Here, help me get cleaned up."

Now I realize (or starting to realize) God wants her light to shine. Marabel Morgan, about the time of the counterculture sixties, urged women not to shy from their own God-given beauty. Dare to be a Total Woman. It is a privilege to the husband to have a confident wife, a total woman, not afraid to let her light shine, not afraid even (when necessary) to OUTROOF him, in love. Arlene Spencer upholds the courageous example of Vashti. Isn't she the real thing? Isn't she an authentic Proverbs 31 gal? Vashti was used by God when she took a stand against a perverted husband. She stood up to him, was "righteously unsubmissive" and thus an example to godly wives today as well.

Romans 10:19 reminds the church that God himself, in his wrath, warned: "I will provoke you to jealousy by them that are no people, and by a foolish nation I will anger you." See resource

In my case, my natural (selfish) tendency is a failure to appreciate her highly enough, and at the same time a CYA attitude on my part excusing my inadequacies, my sins, my sickness. All it takes is to see her with another guy, or some studly individual, or perhaps an athletic guy, even a gang-bangeer she is helping, and suddenly perk up. Why do I suddenly begin to value her more, when I see how much those guys "value" her. Then I grumble or downgrade THEM, or call them crude. (Shame on me, considering I am the cause in the first place.) See resource

Exposing my jealousy is a brilliant move on her part. One it shows me that there are some men, true men, who genuinely know how precious she is. There are some men, in fact quite a few of them, who really know how to treat her. If that makes me a bit crazy, tough. (I'll get over it.) Second, my jealousy shows me that I am my own worst enemy, and I had better take my medicine. I had better voluntarily accept God's cleansing, his woodshed. See resource

It puts me on the spot. Which can be a positive catalyst to mend my ways, if I don't pull an attitude. (In my chronic juvenile, adolescent, selfish way.) My boorishness stuck out like a sore thumb. Jesus said: Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Christ did not stress that it is "another man's wife," or a woman who is not his own wife, but says generically, a woman. Adultery committed in the heart is not circumscribed in the limits of the interpersonal relationship which make it possible to determine adultery committed in the body. It is not these limits that decide exclusively and essentially about adultery committed in the heart, but the very nature of lust. It is expressed in this case by a look, that is, by the fact that that man -- of whom Christ speaks, for the sake of example -- looks lustfully. Adultery in the heart is committed not only because man looks in this way at a woman who is not his wife, but precisely because he looks at a woman in this way. Even if he looked in this way at the woman who is his wife, he could likewise commit adultery in his heart. From Theology of the Body: [EWTN]

Proverbs 31 Woman of Valor : compensatory assymetry - the "Domme Wife" capable of instructing him. See Mulieris dignitatem .

All of this brings me back to Pops and my wife. They were a perfect team. They seemed to understand my need for a firm hand. Morgan Reynolds called for corporal punishment for adults, where appropriate. We need to restore "shaming sentences" -- degradation, the stocks, the pillory and flogging. Reynolds says that corporal punishment is efficient, effective and egalitarian. It sure is. It works. for more.

It was slow dawning on me. Maybe it was true. Maybe, after all, I was something of a jerk of a husband. I had "cheated" on her (in my own pathetic way) for so long, yet always justified myself. Was my "safe" perversions not sin, just the same? How bout my porn? I excused myself with the lame rationale "I need it to get aroused."

What if turn-about is fair play? In that case, how would I feel if Linda has free rein to her own ideals, romantically? Why shouldn't she? For example, her fondness for a stud hero? Her "dream lover" -- or (as Eldridge Cleaver put it) her psychic bridegroom. Tall, dark and handsome. An athletic superstar, who knows how to ravish her, transport her to the skies.

I was slow on the uptake. How could my own flaws and crimes have anything to do with her "love deficit." She was running on empty. My religion told me (I Corinthians 7:3) I have an obligation to satisfy her. Yet I was a borderline porn pervert, to her, I was almost a sicko. Betty Friedan once said there are many such suburban wives, caught in stifling marriages, dismayed by the inadequacies of their marriages, confused and unhappy, angry and often humiliated by their husband's behavior, who are psychologically "primed" for some dashing, confident "bad boy" eager to sweep her off her feet -- a temptation to spread her wings and fly. (Again, see Eldridge Cleaver, primeval mitosis)

Why was I so spoilt, or selfish, or immature? The beautiful gesture that Yoko did for John (Lennon) -- why could I not do it for MY wife? What a splendid gift to be able to efface oneself, to share ... with one I had so casually called "my better half." Why could I not put my creed into my deed ... in the more meaningful manner that, say, Leopold did for Wanda.

Today we need more love - more forgiveness. Our terminology is too prejudicial. Is "cuckold" an accurate word when a jerk of a husband starts learning to be more Christly and respectful to his wife. Time to let her blossom fully as a woman. Time to put her on a pedestal, let her wife shine. Is "slutty" an accurate term for a wife who chooses to be beautiful for God?

Why is it that the same word "slut" -- when coming from an authentic black man, may be not at all disparaging, but the highest compliment possible for him to give. Yet coming from an immature (white) husband is a slur and an insult. Where is our metaphorical or figurative imagination? Our language needs a bit of the flexibility that myth and epic literature possess.

Third Wheel husbands. This is a case where the "left out" husband may in some sense deter the socialization of the wife and her lover. The husband may feel "left out of" the couple (three's a crowd) -- perhaps being invited only out of pitty or through a feeling of duty, or an excess integrity or "transparency." He may be eased into the situation by being allowed to stay in an environment he has become accustomed to (perhaps a kitchen, where the third wheel can prepare drinks or snacks, etc, for the couple.) The third wheel may feel uncomfortable about watching the couple canoodle on his own sofa, but the couple takes none of this into consideration.

Husbands need an attitude improvement. Instead of demeaning someone who is your privilege to acknowledge 'your better half' - let's HONOUR her. It is more than simply 'chivalry' when a husband loves his wife with ideal love. The Italian language says, Egli deve crescere e io invece diminuire. (giovanni il battista). No one can "steal" her from you if your attitude is in proper alignment. What if he is her psychic bridegroom, as Eldridge Cleaver choicely phrased it?

illum oportet crescere me autem minui

We should not call it adultery if it is something God has done. Marilyn Yalom in "A History of the Wife" says that so-called "unfaithfulness" may have the positive effect that it acts as a catalyst to change for the better, even promoting healing in the marriage (or maturation for a juvenile hubby?). Importantly, the marital union is cherished as the "essential" (paper document) relationship EVEN WHILE the outside sexing is going on, and continues. link

Bob Shepherd

Keri Pentauk, Susan Flannery, Paula Andante, Nigel McParr

AN ASIDE: The Yiddish of Eastern Europe brought with them a word that may be appropos. A NEBBISH is a person, especially a man, who is pitifully ineffectual, timid, or submissive. In our terminology we would say he has abdicated headship of his home.

[last save 05/31/11]

Betsy Prioleau writes:
Passion needs wake-up. In order to keep love vital, it must be continually stirred up through creative tension, adventure, and a complex dynamic equilibrium of pain and pleasure, anxiety and security, mystery and certainty, surprise and predictability. This is a given of the ars amatoria [p 351] for more

Is the jerk worth your patience with him?

Is it finally time to ditch the bastard

Attitude is the Key (the 'improving' husband)

Should you Ditch the Jerk?
Dealing With an Unloving Spouse
The Spiritual Wife
Divine Feminine
All honor to the woman
Gospel Way
Cybele Marriage
Only Imagine
A Safe Place for White Wives
Geeky Husbands Are the worst jerks
Spousal Rape Laws: 20 Years Later
Sicko white husbands: their own worst enemy
Will a "wife's night out" save your marriage?
Is it true? What women really want (Romance and Smut) Polly Andrea Busch
It can't be "cheating" if her husband is a "Nabal" jerk
Black Men: The biggest cause of divorce among white couples
Against Domestic Violence
End Domestic Violence
Sexual Violence Resource Center
Rape, Abuse, Incest
Why do white men like molesting children?
Pampered white guys molesting, pedophilia still not curbed
Spiritual wifery - how can she be cheating if husband is to blame?>
Hope for white man
White wives go black
They got blacked
Go RED for women
A cancer information page

Honeymoon nightmare: a case history
Rabbi Schmuley Boteach: the story of one couple: Bob suffered from erectile dysfunction brought about by performance anxiety. He felt like a failure and was sure his wife looked down at him. [Afflicted with] a sense of inadequacy and guilt, sex seemed for him something akin to the Olympics. He was [panicked, as if] his wife sat there with a score-card, giving him ones and zeroes. [192] Here is a dilemma for anyone trying to help him. Is he your classic "Broken White Man" - needing to be fixed?

'Christian Home' is a group that belives strongly in the moral superiority of women, and believes that a great many societal problems could be solved if women ruled the home environment. Naturally they believe in petticoat discipline, and believe that the New Testament teaches the principles of feminine superiority. See I Timothy 5:14

A man's wife is the highest, holiest, most precious gift to man. Her mission and throne is the family. [John Todd, 1867] See this link
Lady Misato's page. (Fumiko Misato) Ms Misato has done extensive research on marital relationships and written a number of articles on the subject. See this link

When the husband is to blame. God owns the woman, not some jerk husband. "Liberated Christians" -- Promoting positive intimacy and sexuality including responsible nonmonogamy, Polyamory or 'swinging' (mandingo love, etc) as a legitimate CHOICE for Christians and others. Exposing false traditions of sexual repression that have no biblical basis. Promoting intimacy & Women-Centered loving sexuality. Sybian for maximum G-spot orgasms for women's pleasure and therapy. See

Here is a page which calls itself Wife Led Marriage. (Male submission to loving female authority in a real-world relationship.) There is something inspiring about bold women, or strong, confident "VALOROUS" women. Female Authority.

Can femdom save our world. Nothing else has worked. More christly husbands is the only way. Whitemen have tried one way only, and that is violence, power, domination. He has enslaved black people, exterminated red people and has turned his women into chattel, his private personal property. Time to try God's way. Set her free.

Put your wife on a pedestal, and set her free. Joan of Arc inspired a nation and the world, and transformed the relation between France and England forever. If we give woman a chance to lead, we find that serving her is the highest act of homage we can give. Accept the humble path of self-denial, catharsis, and cleansing. Be her clean up man. As in the etymology of the word husband, be her valet for once. Christian femdom

For those of you who may disagree with what we did or the way that we did it, I am sorry. We followed our hearts. We found improvement and sexual healing for my husband and long overdue pleasure for me. Perhaps it saved our marriage. Does it make me a slut? My husband now calls me "slutty in a good way." You say I and other flirty fishers "dress too slutty." You say my shoes are spiky 'fuck-me' pumps. I'm sorry. maybe I am just letting my light shine on the dark side. Isn't that possible?

God calls his daughters to be his handmaidens. Not even intimidated by our own husband but to put Christ first. Let our Light shine. And to be married to Him, and to be a spiritual wife of our psychic bridegroom. All your rumors and gossip and wagging tongues do not change that. We are to put Christ first in our marriages, not our husbands. We are therefore not under the law. THAT is the meaning of spiritual wifery, in a nutshell. (Your husband w ill respect you MORE if you are a woman of valor.)


Wife's Night Out

please remember, men

If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

si enim veritas Dei in meo mendacio
abundavit in gloriam ipsius quid
adhuc et ego tamquam peccator iudicor
See Romans 3 : 7

Bob Shepherd
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Site creator Bob Shepherd